Finding Family

So, I wanted to write this as a follow up to my Soulful Sunday videos posted this past week. For those of you who may have watched those videos, I hope that there were at least some thought-provoking points within that space. For those of you who have not seen it, feel free to check it out at  www.instagram.com/fringefam.

For those of you who may prefer to read about it, rather than watch, I continued our series on family (with a twist). While we all have a biological family, it can be difficult to realize how much the implications and expectations of that family can infiltrate the communities that you find yourself a part of throughout your journey. Your boss can remind you of a parent, and you may find yourself responding as you would as a child, especially during particularly stressful moments. You may find yourself finding partners that re-enact similar power dynamics that perhaps another family couple demonstrated. You may be more trusting of a friend as they may remind you of an old childhood friend.

While relationships may be new, often we find ourselves in similar patterns. We may find ourselves avoiding conflict based upon what we have experienced in past relational dynamics. Every relationship teaches us something that we carry on to the next. However, just because we may have an impulse to do something based upon our past experiences, does not mean that we have to do the same thing. Changing that behavior first requires us to change our inner system-or, our “inner family”.

Have you ever felt like you’ve had two opposing sides? Perhaps the proverbial angel on one side and the devil on the other? As a highly sensitive person, I feel like I often have a tribunal when it comes to making a decision, particularly relationally. I have my paternal side, that wants to protect me no matter what, my maternal side, that wants to nurture and rock my emotions to rest, and another side that is trying to understand the situation from the other person’s perspective as well. In the past, there was one side that tended to be the “winner” in those circumstances: it was the one that could see the perspective of everyone else. Because I didn't grow up with those idealized versions of parents that I internalized, it was difficult for me to listen to them. When people were nurturing or protective of me, I tended to shy away from them and instead put all of my soul into relationships where I needed to pay attention to the perspective of someone else. Living in a black body, I learned that this was the safest way to be-I needed to anticipate other perspectives, and try to change my viewpoint, so that I could be safe. 

The problem with letting one part of the family have all the control is that they tend to overwhelm the system and lead to a balancing problem. Because I often had so many perspectives to consider (without any verification of whether my thoughts were actually accurate or not), I wore myself out thinking. I also didn’t have space to consider, or even develop, my own perspective. I had to learn that while this was the inner family that I had created based upon what I knew, they did not have to be my chosen family.

So, I honor my inner family by choosing my outer one. I set boundaries with folks that I feel need to be a part of my life, but I don’t force myself to be in spaces for appearances, particularly when I know that I will most likely be triggered. I also choose my perspective at times, even if it may appear that someone may not like my behavior. I still allow space for diverse perspectives, but I don’t allow those perspectives to carry more weight than my own. I engage in self-care when I need to be nurtured, and I choose to be around others who are also nurturing. I protect my peace, and have a team of people that help me develop external systems to protect other assets. Thus, I understand the role that each voice plays internally, and I choose to build my external “village” based upon the principle that I strive for within.

What does your inner family consist of? Which “member” gets the most say and why? How might you be able to choose your community within and outside to truly honor yourself?