Building Your Beloved Community

For a few months now, I’ve been thinking about what it truly means to be a part of a community. Sometimes it feels that we often are plummeting into certain communities without any choice in the matter. For example, a family can b e considered a community in which no one has a choice whether or not to be born into it. We are born into the family and we are expected to follow certain norms of the group. We then go into school and we are once again faced with finding community, but we have a bit more choice. 

We choose our friends and the clubs that we join. However, sometimes it feels like we are stuck within the community. We join churches or even professional groups to build a community, but rarely take the opportunity to periodically assess if that community is still the community for us. The more time that we spend with individuals, often we feel obligated to stay, even if it puts us in a precarious situation. I have worked with individuals (and been that person), who have put myself in dangerous environments for someone else.  As a therapist, I often hear clients say, “I feel like I’ve outgrown this relationship, but I have known this person since high school, so maybe I should just stay”, or I should stay because that is the right thing to do.

Over time, I have learned that the word “should” in a thought pattern can be dangerous, mostly because it sets a precedent that the rules defined by society and our circles are truths for ourselves. When left unchecked, this can lead us to moving from being an empowered contributor to a community, to being enslaved to the system that we follow because we have been told that is indeed what we should do. By “shouding” ourselves, particularly when it comes to relationships, we run the risk of also believing that we should sacrifice our own sense of well-being in order to belong. 

Another problematic part of this perspective  is that we limit the opportunities for us to build a community that we want to be a part of. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. spoke of the “beloved community” where racism and classism did not exist. He envisoned, defined, and did all that he could do to build that community, even if it meant making others uncomfortable. Perhaps he understood that we need to speak up for what community feels right for us, even if we aren’t entirely sure what that community might look like. For me, my beloved community is a community whether individuals feel safe to be themselves. There is accountability, but there are also supports in place to help people grow as they choose. People are welcomed to stay or go as they please because true love involves freedom over imprisonment. 

This summer, we spent a lot of time discussing strategies for creating your own community. (if you haven’t checked out our mini-videos on it, feel free to check it out on Facebook: www.facebook.com/fringefam or Instagram: @Fringegram). There are many circles to help you find the right space for you (www.meetup.com can be a great place to start). But, if you aren’t comfortable with leaving your own nest right now, honor that and spend some time building community within yourself. What do you believe in? What are your likes or dislikes? How do you deal with conflict? What do you do for enjoyment? Invest in your community of yourself by standing up for yourself and expressing what you need (and don’t need) from others. Define and envision like those before us-give yourself space to imagine your ideal community. Most of all, have the courage to let go of doesn’t build towards your beloved community to create more space for those who can help you build your community.