Couldn’t shouldn’t wouldn’t
While summer can be fun, summer (like any other season), can also be stressful and lead to engagement in what I like to call the couldnt, shouldn’t, and wouldn’ts”. To be honest, this most likely show ups in all four seasons, but since it feels like it is most salient now, I thought it might be worth writing about (even if it sends up being a reference point for another day).
So, let’s start with the shouldn’t. I think a lot about the social invites for the beach and waterparks, and the inner struggle that sometimes arises. Or I think about all of the things that I should do while it is warm-I should walk every day to try to get as much of the sun. I should eat more water-based fruits. I am using perhaps some inconsequential ideas here because this is often how more diabolical thoughts start forming. Also, I have found that practicing addressing less intense ideas can help strengthen that muscle for a potentially more difficult situation. So, you, like me, have a list of things that you should do right now. On the one hand, knowing what you should do can give you a sense of direction. It can help plan and prepare for future events. However, should (or should not), if left unchecked, can lead to over obligation. This creates fertile ground for people-pleasing behaviors and poor boundaries. If we only engage in what we think we should do all the time, we run the risk of not taking care of ourselves. We are also more likely to become overwhelmed, which makes space for the could not (or can’t) to show up.
The could not tend to show up when we are feeling overwhelmed, or when we’ve come to believe that something is not possible. Remember when you were a kid and you believed that you could be a dancing doctor (just me here)? Eventually, you learned that it wasn’t something that you could do. Perhaps someone told you that wasn’t possible, or you learned everything that you would need to do to achieve that and then you accepted that you simply cannot do it. The issue with this is that it is not entirely true. I could have trained to be both a dancer and a doctor. However, I chose not take on that work and instead chose to focus on helping others heal in another way (while dancing when I can. In my Inner Child series on TikTok, we’ve been talking about this, so if you feel like your can’t is getting in the way, perhaps some inner child work can show you that can’t is often a cop out.
Can’t (or couldn’t ) does show us one important thing- there are just things that we won’t (or wouldn’t) do. Just like the shouldn’t, this isn’t a terrible thing. Our global history has shown us that certain behaviors can be detrimental to the world’s sustainability and building a healthy human kind. We can certainly integrate this data to help heal the world, and one another. However, the trap is when we believe that others (or ourselves) just would not do certain things. This is not to say that we can’t trust people, however, we can also be aware that sometimes people do things that we wouldn’t expect. This can be a good thing or a bad thing. Each individual (including ourselves) has to acknowledge that while we might not want to do things, sometimes we may do things that we normally wouldn’t to grow, or because we are stressed, or something else. The key here is to be able to reflect on why you wouldn’t do something and check periodically if that is still something that is true and in alignment with your values.
In fact, maybe for the couldn’t, wouldn’t, and shouldn’t, we would benefit from reflecting on how true that was, or how true it is, what evidence we have to support that statement, and what we would like to do about it. Just because I may not be able to do something today, does not mean that I can’t take steps today to move towards that ultimate goal. And if someone is saying that I shouldn’t do some thing, maybe my innermost being says that I should give myself space to do (or figure out how to do). The key to moving towards I know I can, and I will is being brave enough to challenge things that may be untrue, addressing things that are but you want to change, and utilizing supports, inclusive of you inner resources, to make want you truly want a reality.