The “L” Word
💗 Expanding the Definition of Love This Valentine’s Season
“Romance is not limited to a relationship. It is an experience. A mindset. A way of engaging with life.”
Because it’s Valentine’s month, it feels only right to talk about the “L-word.”
Before you scroll past, stay with me for a moment.
This isn’t just about romantic love. It’s about the many forms of love that shape our mental health, our resilience, and our overall well-being — including the kinds that don’t require a partner.
Valentine’s Day is often framed around romance. But romance is defined as:
“A quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life.”
By that definition, romance is something you can cultivate — with or without a Valentine.
Let’s explore love through the lens of mental health.
🧠 The Psychology of Love & Mental Wellness
Mental health is deeply influenced by cultural narratives. What we define as “healthy” shifts over time — and love is no exception.
Psychologically, love can be grouped into three broad categories:
💛 Protective Love ✨ Playful Love ⚠️ Unbalanced Love
Stabilizing Grounding Destabilizing
Energizing Connecting Consuming
Understanding where your current experiences fall can increase awareness — and awareness creates choice.
💛 Protective Love: The Foundation of Emotional Resilience
These forms of love act as protective factors for mental health.
🌿 Philautia (Self-Love)
Where self-compassion, boundaries, and self-worth live.
Healthy self-love is not selfishness — it is emotional responsibility.
🤝 Philia (Deep Friendship)
Trust-based relationships that foster belonging and safety.
🌍 Agape (Selfless Love)
Compassion-driven love that often provides purpose and meaning.
🏛 Pragma (Committed Love)
Long-term love built on shared values and steady growth.
🏡 Storge (Familial Love)
Protective bonds that create emotional grounding.
✨ Playful Love: Energy & Vitality
When balanced, these forms of love bring lightness and joy.
🔥 Eros (Passion)
Chemistry. Attraction. Emotional spark.
🎈 Ludus (Playful Love)
Flirtation. Laughter. Adventure. Shared fun.
Play is not immature. It is restorative.
Adults need play just as much as children do.
⚠️ When Love Becomes Unbalanced
Mania (Obsession)
Characterized by insecurity, emotional dependency, and instability.
CO-DEPENDENCY
Characterized by one being the “giver” and the other the “taker”. Partners may over-rely on each other for happiness, validation, emotional stability, etc.
PURSUER/DISTANCER DYNAMIC
Characterized as a power imbalance where one person constantly seeks closeness while the other avoids it, feeling "smothered". One feels neglected, while the other may feel controlled
ONE UP/ONE DOWN (POWER IMBALANCE)
Characterized by one partner wielding more resources, power, and/or influence in the relationship. This can be benign, such as one partner managing logistics, to toxic, such as emotional abuse and intimidation.
Unrequited
Characterized by one-sided affection where one party feels something for the other that the other does not feel.
So, does this mean that you are doomed if you experience these dynamics? Not necessarily. These dynamics don’t mean we can’t or aren’t experiencing love. It can mean, though, that past trauma is stunting the potential of that love to grow. Experiences of abandonment, neglect, abuse, and other traumas can keep us stuck and potentially distant from the present love we have for each other and ourselves. But if we are aware, we can heal and change the narrative so that we can fully actualize that love that we seek.
Awareness can be empowering, if we choose to take the steps to heal.
💡 You Don’t Need a Valentine to Experience Love
We all want love — but we need different forms at different points in our lives
Maybe you need:
More play
More stability
More purpose
Or more self-compassion
Love does not require a specific person.
I experience love:
🏋️ In the gym — where consistency builds trust with myself
☕ In friendships that resume effortlessly
🙏 In faith and purpose that call me toward compassion
Love is present when we choose to recognize it.
🌿 The Anchor: Self-Love as a Protective Factor
While all forms of love matter, none remain sustainable without self-love.
Research consistently identifies self-compassion as a powerful protective factor for mental health. When self-respect is present:
✔ Boundaries strengthen
✔ Emotional regulation improves
✔ Relationships become healthier
✔ Self-trust deepens
When self-love is paired with community connection, emotional stability follows.
🛠 How to Cultivate Balanced Love
Here are practical, actionable steps:
1️⃣ Build Inner Trust Through Consistency
Show up for yourself regularly. Small promises kept daily build long-term resilience.
2️⃣ Practice Forgiveness
Resentment keeps the nervous system activated. Forgiveness creates psychological closure.
3️⃣ Clarify Your “Why”
Examine your motivations. Alignment between values and actions deepens fulfillment. If you are not experiencing unbalanced dynamics within your relationship, talk with your partner about ways that you can support one another in bringing things into balance, and perhaps consider working with a mental health professional to address the potential trauma.
4️⃣ Normalize Healthy Communication
Check in with those you love. Discuss what’s working — and what isn’t. Honest communication creates space for deeper connection.
5️⃣ Integrate Joy Intentionally
Fun is not indulgent — it is restorative.
Romanticize your own life.
Do not outsource your joy.
“Love is energizing. Make sure you are doing the things that energize you.”
💗 A Closing Reflection
You deserve love in all its forms.
But most importantly —
you deserve to experience it from within.
This Valentine’s season, expand your definition of love.
Not because you lack it.
But because you are capable of generating it.